When is it ok to NOT forgive?

If I were to ask you, has anyone offended you? The answer would most assuredly be yes. That is not the question I am going to seek to answer today. I also will not be answering the question of how you should respond to someone when offended, but instead be answering when it is ok for you to not forgive someone who has wronged you, and, perhaps more importantly, why?

I think most of us would agree that the right thing to do when someone wrongs you is to forgive them, but am I the only one who thinks that seems a bit forced? My mind immediately goes back to childhood when I would fight with my brother (probably over sports) and he would go tell mom; a few minutes later mom would come out with him and make me apologize. Did I mean my apology? Of course not. Then he would say he forgave me. Did he? Probably not. Then we would play separately for the rest of the day. 

When I hear I am supposed to forgive, I think of being forced to do something that I may not mean and asking why I should even do that. So, is there ever a time when it is ok to not forgive someone? Maybe there is a situation where it is permissible to forgo forgiveness for the sake of your emotional health? Let’s keep going…

This question is not new, the question of when you should forgive has been around for thousands of years. In the Bible, Jesus teaches His followers to forgive those who have wronged them, and this is important because this was a relatively new concept to His audience. 

In the Old Testament (pre-Jesus part of the Bible) forgiveness is usually a thing that God does to people. Interpersonally though, the law was very much about getting even, so when this new guy shows up saying His followers should forgive, that was new.

One of these followers, a guy named Peter who talked a lot, asked Jesus almost this exact question, he said it like this to sound impressive though… “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” (Matt 18:21)

If you know the rest of the story, bear with me for a second and think about that, seven times is kind of a lot. Peter was probably looking to get a pat on the back for his answer, because how many people have legitimately offended you seven times? Probably less than you imagine if you think about it.

Essentially what Peter is asking here is, “Jesus, except for the really bad people, I should forgive everyone else up to seven times, right?” Jesus responded like this, “No, not seven, but seventy times seven!”

Was Jesus saying forgive someone 490 times and that’s it? Not really, but even if it were it would take someone offending you every week for nearly nine and a half years to get you to 490 times. I’ll be honest, I don’t know anyone that good at being bad. 

So when is it ok to not forgive someone? The short answer is never, you should always forgive. The long answer is why and for that I want to go back to Jesus’ response in Matthew 18.

Jesus answers Peter’s question and then jumps into a story about a king whose servant owed him an amount equal to millions if not billions of US dollars, an unpayable debt. This man begged the king to be patient and he would pay it all eventually, but the king had pity on him and simply forgave the debt.

Now while this guy is walking away, he sees someone who owed him a few hundred dollars, nothing in comparison to the debt he owed the king, but he demanded immediate payment. The other man, also a servant, begged for time, but this man wasn’t having it, he had his fellow servant thrown in prison until the debt could be paid in full.

Eventually, the king hears about this and calls the first servant in, and asks him about it. He has the servant thrown in prison because he would not forgive his fellow servant. Jesus concludes this story with these words, “That’s what My heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”

So, why do we always forgive people who wrong us? While there are obvious benefits to you personally when you choose to forgive I don’t want to talk about those here, you can find messages about those anywhere. Instead, I just want to look at why Jesus said you should.

Most people will read this and say that you should forgive because if you don’t, God won’t. This is only partially true. That was indeed the final result, but it was not how the story unfolded. Yes, it is true that if we don’t forgive others God will not forgive us, but that makes the forgiveness we receive from God something earned. I forgave so I get forgiveness, but what does the story tell us? 

When we look at the story, we see the king forgive based on His compassion. The king forgives first and expects the one to whom He showed compassion, too, in turn, show compassion to others. 

Why should we forgive every time? Because God forgave us a debt we could not pay, and He expects us those of us who are on a journey to be like Him to do the same.

Garrett